Truthforce

update

2006-11-03T10:11:00.000+08:00

I'm clearly not very good at blogging.

Currently I'm procrastinating. I've been studying for 14 days non-stop... and i mean... NON-stop. I didn't do any uni all semester, see... and now I have 12 assignments due and 2.5 weeks to do them in.
I'm getting there, but my voice is not constantly at a manly croak.... day and night. Which is kind of fun really, because I can now sing a few octives lower than I normally can.

I should put wedding photos up some time. Maybe when holidays hurry up and happen, I will do that.

Recently, other than study, has been a nice time for exploring ideas and beliefs a bit more.
Casper and I marched in the pride parade the other day, which was excellent.
We went to a free non-violent communication talk thingie... still reading the NVC book which is highly benificial. I'm now investigating my jackal vs my giraffe (this will make no sense if you weren't at the talk).
Starting to explore future directions for the next little while... what I'd like to be exploring in my year or 6 months off after uni. Looking into peace-church communities. Maybe will spend some time visiting and learning from them.
Also hoping to do some work experience for TEAR before the year is out.

Um... summer holidays will entail:
Me taking alot of photos at woody island.
Me learning to sew so I can make my own clothes from op-shop material and save money.
Me making many t-shirts of good stencil images
Me painting my new bike and learning about the mechanics
Me catching up with the people i've neglected this semester due to business and bad organisation.

Yeah, so that will do. Will write more some time later on.

Erin

URGGGH!

2006-08-18T14:20:00.000+08:00

I have an POO-ni ASS-ingment due at the moment.
And I have a ride camp thing tomorrow. And I'm sick. And I'm tired. And its a HARD question.

I can't believe I pay money to get this stressed out.

an obligation post... just to keep this thing updated

2006-08-13T17:32:00.000+08:00

Well I haven't blogged for a long time.
Partly because I can often find far more interesting things to do with my time, than to recount every one of my experiences within a day of it occuring so people, who were more than likely there with me at the time of the said experience, can read about it.

But primarily, I've been so busy I haven't even thought about it. Its been such a full-on few months and just keeps getting more and more intense.

In the next 4 weeks, this is what is happening:

Organising my wedding
Doing 2 uni assigments
Doing a week-long intensive unit for uni
Recce for ride camp
HAVING my wedding
having my honeymoon
Finishing non-violence course
Plus, all the rest that life usually has in it.

The following 4 weeks will be:
Catching up from all the uni I missed
starting yoga classes
moving house (for the 7th time in 3 years)
Doing ride camp
Plus, all the rest that life usually has in it.

SOOOOO... kind of chaotic.

The weekend, though, has been quite nice. I think its the third weekend we've had at home in a row. Thats our record, I think since we met...
Its been nice just spending time in freo. Seeing people randomly, going to little creatures for beer, reading, sleeping in. All the weekend-at-home kind of things.

Today we made beetroot, carrot, apple and orange juice for brekky on Casper's juicer which I only just discovered he owned. It was GREAT! i'm so excited about juicing now. I love juice.

And then we went to Greg and Caroline's house for toasted sandwhiches and chatted about writing wedding vows and other random wedding-y things. And then it got into marriage advice, which was quite a nice thing. Helpful to get some perspecive from their point of view, since everything is clearer and easier in retrospect. Nice to know what to expect in some cases.

Just heard that there's been a call for ceasefire in the Israel-Lebanon conflict, which is such good news.

um... I'm also making orange cake at the moment. And Casper is making me a meal of traditional polish dishes tonight. WHOO!
Mashed beetroot, dill potatoes, crumbed Kangaroo (which is obviously a slight variation on the original), and some other delicious things.

Um, what else...
I found my wedding dress! I had it in my wardrobe all along. Its the genuine 70's mini-dress that my mum bought for her first date with my dad. So thats got some cool family ties.
Its very mini. Not really what you'd call traditional wedding attire.
Its also very funk.
I love it.

Thats about all. I have so much to write, really but its all very long, and mostly political so I'm sure it can wait and will still be relevent in a few weeks time.
I'll try and find some mental space to put it all down in writing next time.

I also have some more photos to post, but I can't be assed with that right now either.
I think blogs are for those days that need filling... I certainly don't have many of them at the moment so maybe I'll wait until things calm down.

only 3 weeks!
SHIT!

Love Hurts.

2006-07-13T07:20:00.000+08:00

One of the things I have been thinking about recently, which has been the cause of much confusion and general exasperation for me, is that.... Love Hurts.

And, I'm not talking about the Roy Obrison song, either.

Most things in the world, don't make a heap of sense, but in a grander scheme I can manage to let them be and try my best to change what I can, where I can.

But when I think about the very nature of Love and what it is, I find it deeply distressing that it causes so much pain. It doesn't just POTENTIALLY cause pain. It DOES cause pain.

Because I care about someone more deeply than myself, it hurts when I see them upset, or mourning. It hurts when I can't mindread all the things they need and so I make mistakes. It hurts when I haven't thought to 'fill up the car' (or whatever else) and he gets disappointed. It hurts when tiredness or grumpiness or selfishness take first rank, and actions happen which I later regret. It hurts when there's a miss in communication.

Love ALSO hurts because, in entrusting your entire life, safety and sense of wellbeing to someone else there is a huge risk. Often, the person who you love (in my case, its Casper) also makes mistakes. Acts thoughtlessly, selfishly, quickly, or misunderstands entirely.
Small things hurt alot more than would normally (ie. with friends) because this person is intrinsically tied to your sense of self.
So, when there is pain and hurt inflicted from Cas, it is equivelent to stabbing myself in the chest. The same goes in reverse when I (very frequently) hurt him.
There isn't the option of running from the source of pain, because I am deeply and fully bound to it. There isn't the the option of stabbing Casper in return because, he is part of me... so in doing that, I'm just stabbing myself..... again.

So, it gets confusing and hard.

Then there is deep concern about 'breaking up' and the heartache that comes with that.

If you're someone lucky enough to overcome that barrier (as much as is possible) by the commitment of marriage(or whatever you want to call it) - not that marriage is break-up-proof these days, sadly...
AND, if you manage to spend enough time together (as in, years) that the smaller issues of care and fairness and respect iron themselves out with time and repetition, AND if you end up generally happy and contented spending your time, and life with someone...

One partner, then dies.

This is where the confusion sets in.
For me, that means that regardless of the outcome, when I say

"I choose to love you" to Casper, I am also saying "I choose for you to hurt me. And then, I choose to lose you."

Thats pretty crap, if you ask me. But also quite incredible. The things of myself that I risk (not just 'risk' in fact, but inevitably lose) by choosing love... its amazing. I just... love him SOOO much, I'm willing to take on the pain of letting him go.
When I think about it in these terms, I start to realise quite how amazing Love is. How it doesn't fit into a selfish world. It doesn't allow for self-protection AT ALL. It guarentees pain, and hurt along the way, but it is still what every person strives for at their core.

It doesn't make much sense to me, though. What I know of God and Love (same thing) is that, there shouldn't be an end to it. There shouldn't be pain and risk involved in it. It seems like that doesn't quite fit.

But maybe thats what heaven is.
Heaven is where love can happen the way its designed to. Where it doesn't have to fight through human failings to win its way forward. Where it doesn't have to contend with fear, or pain or loss.
Where it exists in its pure, unending, complete form.
The way its meant to be.

Maybe Heaven is where Love doesn't hurt any more.

photos

2006-07-11T18:10:00.001+08:00

So, as I said, I haven't had much time to play with my camera yet. (which was also given to me by Fiona which i forgot to mention before, because I'm a bad sister.)
And, I'm still learning... I'm sure if I was a professional photo-critiquey-person I'd have alot of bad things to say about these. But, I'm not. And I like each of them for some reason or another. Hopefully practice will make better, though.

(if you click on the photos, they get BIG!! yay!!)

The tanks near our house

Stencil of a lady through a broken wall at the freo hospital

Uggboot at the beach

Lady and naughty dog

On top of the tanks

Inside an old pump house

More tanks. I liked the tanks.
Beautiful Jess

Tank-y stairs

A kind of a pipe thingie

Me, on a park bench

Writing again

2006-07-11T09:38:00.000+08:00

Well, I've been informed by my excellent sister of excellent-ness that I should keep on blogging.
I stopped, primarily because I was having writers block (which is mostly due to the knowledge that people actually read this blog, as opposed to say, my journal which I can write in with no problems at all.)

However, I'm going to persist.

Alot has happened in the last few months. These things include:

- Organising my wedding
- Finishing my first semester of Sustainable Development at Uni (but my results have been blocked because I have an unpaid parking fine. Annoying)
- Starting a Non-Violence course with Pace e Bene
- Getting a $5,000 grant for Scripture Union's RIDE camp
- Looking after Jess as she got sick
- Looking after Casper as he goes though the process of adjusting to life without his doggy friend.
- Actually having time and space to READ again!! WHOO! its been too long.
- Getting implanon into my arm, which is currently making me feel like a pregnant women (headaches, nausea, sleepiness) which is in fact, the opposite of its desired puprose (ie, to avoid pregnancy)
- Got some super-cheap tickets to Melbourne for February
- Planning a holiday with Fiona to go down south and relax in stillness and trees and books for a while.

Some moments of beauty and joy from recently have been

- I was given a $1000 camera for my birthday/engagement by a few people (Marin, Kasia and Daniel) which is an incredible and life-giving gift for me. I have wanted to explore photography for such a long time, but have never had the money to buy a worthwhile came.
I have been loving it SOOO much. I feel for the first time that I can take little snapshots of how I see the world, and let other people see too. Its been freeing and incredible. I don't have any photograhic knowledge AT ALL, and have never learned anything about cameras. But, playing is still fun and its a slow unfolding discovery for me, which I am loving.

- This morning I awoke at 6:30 and went swimming at the Fremantle Pool with Casper. I did 12 laps (my all-time record, as I am very bad at co-ordinating my body and my breathing at the same time). On my final lap, and I passed under the "10-metres-to-go" flags strung above the pool, I lifted my head to breathe and in a watery, splashy, blurry moment, saw that a willy-wagtale had somehow flow into the building and had purched itself on the flags.
It was beautiful.
When I got to the wall, and turned to look again, the bird had gone.

- I have finished reading Mao's Last Dancer, which I liked very much, and I am now on to The God of Small Things which is dark, and rich, and wonderful. It is hard work to sift through the words and let them all soak in adequately enough, but it is the kind of hard work that isn't really hard work at all, because it is so good.

- I have somehow calmed and settled into a deep sense of God and His existance and Love, thanks to (again) an incredible, peaceful, perfectly timed, deeply soul-nurturing, magestic (and at the same time, outrageously raucus) flock of black and red cockatoos.

- I went to Mel, Al and Ben's house the other night, let myself in with the spare key and watched a few episodes of SCRUBS on DVD. (its a TV series). I don't have a TV (which makes me happy, happy, happy in the happiness of happy-joy land.) But, this show is VERY funny, and it was a very theraputic and enjoyable evening.

- I have 2 leeks. We got them yesterday when we went shopping. Leeks make me happy.
I have chopped on up already, and I will make soup with it. Leeks are one of the foods that my body has an irrational attraction to. (passionfruit, vegemite, multi-V juice also cause a similar response). I don't really like the TASTE of leek. They really taste like onion, mixed with air, mixed with some anti-flavour potion, mixed with some more air.
So, I will put some in water and boil it today, to dialute its lack of taste some more.
However, my body is VERY excited about it. I think it must have some vitamins or minerals that I need. So, for the most part, it makes my body very glad.

That will do for now. I will try and keep this more updated.

:)
Happy Zucchini-Rainbow.
Erin.

Goals and Affirmations - Part One.

2006-05-10T09:02:00.000+08:00

1. I will stop eating unsustainably farmed animal products as a means to lessen my ecological footprint.
The meat/animal products i CAN eat are:

- wild game meat (kangaroo etc.)
- sustainably caught fish (there is a specific list of these species)
- organic, free range eggs, from happy chickens.

2. I will endevour to eat less wheat products, for the good of my health

3. I will begin exercising daily again, for the good of my health and happiness.
I am allowed 1 or 2 days a week, where I do not have planned exercise.

4. When I am feeling sad/lonely/depressed, it is ok to let simple things bring me back to a place of happiness. It does not make me shallow. I will call friends, go to the beach, put on good music, drink hot chocolate, cuddle jess, cuddle casper, dance around like an idiot, draw, paint, take photos, write a blog entry etc etc etc... and I will allow these simple pleasures to remind myself that life is good, and rich, and vibrant.

5. I will maintain my own routine each week. In it will be space for relaxing, and spending time with the people I love. In it, also, will be space for myself, space for art, space for exercise, space for uni, space for reading/internet, space for the beach, space for meals and space for coffee.

6. I will listen to my self-doubt less and instead try to seek out and view the truth in every situation. I do have value, I am worthwhile, I am capable.

7. I will believe my negative self-talk less and instead hold onto the positive, up-lifting, life-giving thoughts.

8. I will let people in. I will share what I am feeling and thinking and why. I will invite them to care about me. I will try to remain open and vulnerable within the safety of friendships.

9. They will do for tonight. I'm sure there's many more to add, but now I'm going to clean up some more so the house is pretty, and fall asleep in my warm bed with the heater on, and cuddle jess.

Ac-cent-tchu-ate the positives..

2006-05-08T18:05:00.000+08:00

6:12pm monday night.
Listening to 'the jive acres', about accenttuating the positives... fun.

Got back last night from a beautiful weekend down south. Driving through augusta, margaret river, northcliffe... ended up in walpole after we ran out of fuel. Casper hitched, and I spent 2 hours in the car with Jess on the side of the road. But all in all, it was a really nice weekend. We climbed the glouster tree, had a counter meal each night, drank coffee in the mornings and went land shopping.

We found a bush block in karri forrest, in a town called quinninup. Its a tiny little town of about 100 people, built along a road with one shop and one primary school. Its got little timber cottages lining the street and at the end, is a lake, with karri forrest on the other side.
Our block is about 5 acres, and $105,000...
We spent the drive home so excited. Buzzing with dreams of how we could make it happen, how we could use it for good, what we'd build on it.

imagine it. Living in the trees, sustaining ourselves. Having an open house for people to come and de-stress.

Today we spent some time in the laundromat doing about 4 months worth of laundry...
then got fruit for brekky, then spent the afternoon doing paperwork and things. But was a beautiful slow day at home anyway.

Now we're going to dinner for dylan and liz's 22nd...

Im in love.

2006-04-28T11:48:00.000+08:00

I had quite in incredible dream last night.
Probably was my mind churning over my first post on here... but, I dreamed that I was feeling so stressed out about the state of brokeness and injustice in the world, that I just decided to go to bed for a while, and try and forget about it, and deal with it later.

Anyway, in the dream, I didn't wake up again for 11 years... and by the time I'd woken up, somehow I was all financially set-up to have a comfortable life. I had a house, and a job, and was 'stable'. And supposedly in a place, where I was all prepared to go out and start being a force for good in the world.

But, when I actually went out, to start trying to do some of that, I realised that my whole lifestyle for the last decade, of trying to develop a 'comfortable' state for myself so that I could then think outside of myself, was exactly the same thing I was battling against.

So, I ended up giving away all the things I had worked so hard for. And I ended up deeply greiving that I had just WASTED 11 years of my life, when I could have started before and been equally as capable (or incapable), simply because we all have the potential for ultimate good, and love.

Comfortable or not.

So, I guess my propencity to put things off, doesn't stand up when it comes to love and justice.

Because I sure don't want to get to 32 and look back and have to feel like I did in my dream last night.
I don't want to have done nothing, just because I was waiting for the right time to start.

2006-04-28T00:51:00.000+08:00

Alright, well here I am on the bandwagon.
Which is odd, because I don't even really know what a bandwagon is... or why everyone always wants to be on one all
the time. Seems like it would be cramped, if a bandwagon is anything like the other types of wagons I've seen before.
But either way, I'm on it.

So, I suppose this is a space for a few things, hopefully.

1. I can get out some of my thoughts, feelings etc. to try and balance up my fairly tumultuous emotional state.
2. I can rant about the things I'm exploring and ideas I'm playing with, without offending anyone directly.
3. I can record some kind of a journey from day to day, or week to week to look back on and learn from.

So, I want there to be space here for me to write nonsense.
And I also would like it to be a place that I can deeply and fully explore who I am, what things move me, what I am called to do, how I am called to do it and how the rest of the world fits in with that.

So, as a fairly Erin-esk beginning to such a journey, I'm going to stop typing now, and go to sleep.
BUT, in the morning, I will definately start seeking ultimate truth... really. I will.